Update: I received a number of really beautiful emails from this post and I can't thank you enough. So easily I isolate myself. So easily I forget the wider world around me. It is encouraging when I timidly reach out and feel hands reaching back.
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The ups and downs of daily living are very real for me. Both in how extreme it can feel and how quickly the plummet can appear.
One of Maeve’s doctors made a casual comment which caused my brain to come to a screeching halt. “Blah blah blah... and of course the chronic stress that you must be under….”
‘Ah,’ my mind said as I froze, ‘There’s the label. That’s what’s happening to you. No wonder you’re a basket case’.
Some days, even weeks, I can think that I’m beginning to heal with just regular waves of emotions and then BAM!!! Yesterday I had a meeting to see what tiny step I could take dip my toes back into work. The amount of information was normal yet after I ended my call, I suddenly felt very overwhelmed. This general unease followed me all evening, overnight and into my morning. This was inopportune considering I had a full afternoon of appointments at the hospital scheduled.
I had everything ready for my busy day. I left early and despite being ahead of time, I started feeling the anxiety of being late creep up. Jitters started in my stomach and when I couldn’t find parking within 10 minutes of circling the hospital, I could hear myself uncontrollably moaning and my hands started shaking. After another 10 mins of driving around and begging a parking attendant to let me park in the temporary spot (answer was NO), I was fighting for air, entering hyperventilation and trying not to burst into sobs.
Chronic stress. It does a number on the body. It does a number on the mind. The tiniest of triggers can cause a cascade… scratch that… a bursting dam of stress hormones and everything in my being goes haywire. My body can no longer regulate itself. It perceives everything as a possible danger no matter how much calming self talk I can muster.
Le sigh. Life in progress.